How To Stop Obsessing Over What Your Partner Is Doing All The Time
If you're someone who obsessively checks your partner's Instagram following, stalks their location, goes through their phone, etc, and want to regain your power (and sanity), this post is for you.
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It is becoming more and more normalized on mainstream media to do things like go through your partner’s phone, go through their following, stalk their location, and just obsess over your partner in general. But let’s be honest—it is an exhausting way to live. Nothing will drain you faster than being more concerned with someone else’s life than your own. If you want to get your life, power, and sanity back, here is how you’re going to do it.
This post is all about how to stop obsessing over what your partner is doing.
How To Stop Obsessing Over What Your Partner Is Doing
1. Look Into Attachment Styles And Work On Becoming More Secure
If you’re someone who obsesses over what your partner is doing, it is very likely that you have some form of anxious attachment. It could be either disorganized (which is a mix of both avoidant/ anxious attachment, depending on the situation) or plain anxious attachment. The first step in getting your sanity back is to understand why you feel the anxiety you feel, and your attachment style plays a huge part in that.
If you want to stop feeling so anxious/ preoccupied all the time, you’re going to need to work towards having a more secure attachment style. As someone who has been very anxiously attached in the past, there are no words I can use to describe how much BETTER I feel since I’ve worked on becoming more secure. The peace I feel now makes me wonder why I ever spent so much time and energy worrying about someone else to begin with. It is life-changing to be able to release the control.
To learn about attachment styles and work towards becoming more secure, I highly recommend the book Attached by Amir Levine.
2. Look Into ROCD (Relationship OCD)
Another common culprit for obsessing over your relationship is relationship OCD. I find that not a lot of people are too familiar with this, but for people that obsessively do things like checking your partner’s instagram following, going through their phone, stalking their location when they’re not with you, etc, this is DEFINITELY something to look into.
If you look into it and realize it applies to you, I highly recommend reading a book about OCD (therapy would likely help a lot as well). I have a friend who is both a therapist and also someone who has been diagnosed with OCD, and she’s told me that the book “Pure O” OCD by Chad LeJeune PhD is incredible. I personally read about halfway through a book called The OCD Workbook by Bruce M. Hyman and Cherlene Pedrick, and even with only reading halfway, it helped me SO much.
3. Know That Rotten Fruit Will Always Fall On Its Own
Rotten fruit ALWAYS falls on its own. You will find out one way or another, and you need to trust that. You do not need to be obsessively checking/ looking to see if they are betraying you in some way. IF there is something going on, you will find out. There will be other signs without you having to go out of your way and disturb your own peace. The rotten fruit will fall on its own, and you can relax knowing that.
4. Learn To Trust Yourself
You need to build trust in yourself. You need to build the confidence and self worth to know that you will be fine with or without them. You survived however many years of your life without them, and you can survive without them again.
You need to get to the point where you know IF something did happen, you would be capable of dealing with it. And you need to trust yourself and set the boundary with yourself that if something happens, you will leave.
5. Remember: If It’s Not This, It’s Something Better
If it’s not this, it is something better. Sometimes the Universe will remove you from situations because it isn’t good enough for you. You will be removed because you are meant for something better and bigger.
You have to trust that even things that seem bad in the moment can be a blessing in disguise. You have to trust that you are divinely protected, and that every situation is always a win or a learning experience that will lead you to a win.
One of my favorite creators (Margarita Nazarenko) has talked several times about how grateful she is that she got cheated on, because it allowed her to find her current husband and have the beautiful life she has now. I’ve heard so many stories like this. If they choose to betray you, they were not meant for you, and they have given you the opportunity to go find someone SO much better who will give you the love and life you deserve.
6. Obsessing Over Someone Else’s Life Is A Waste Of Time
Every time I post a video on this topic, there are always so many people in the comments saying “but I don’t want to waste my time!” I think this is a huge fear for a lot of us, especially for women who feel that they have a limited biological clock and worry they will waste their youth on someone unworthy.
While this is a valid concern, you have to know that there is no bigger waste of your time than spending your life and your youth obsessing and worrying about what someone else is doing. Try to enjoy your time in the relationship while you’re in it, and if, god forbid, they do end up doing something to betray you (which they might not), at least you spent the time enjoying your life and the relationship, as opposed to spending your time being anxious and paranoid.
7. Do Not Allow Yourself To Revolve Your Life Around Your Partner
The biggest reason for women feeling like they “wasted time” on a partner is because they allowed their whole life to revolve around them. If you keep up with your own life and do not allow yourself to revolve your entire life around another person, the time will not have been wasted.
Keep up with your friends, keep up with your career, your looks, etc, and do your best to improve yourself and your life throughout your relationship. Then, even if it does end poorly, you still have your whole life to fall back on. Hopefully, you’re able to make it so that your life is even BETTER than it was when you got into the relationship. If you do it right, you’ll come out the other end hotter, smarter, and better in every way.
If you learn to not put your life on hold for the person you’re with, and you continue improving yourself more and more every day, you will never “waste your time” on someone again.
8. Remember, The Loss Of Someone Who Isn’t Loyal Isn’t Much Of A Loss At All
In losing someone who doesn’t value you enough to be respectful and loyal, you’re not losing much at all. In all likelihood, your life would improve immensely without a person like that in it. Again, in making the choice to betray you, they would be opening the door for you to go find someone better who would never DREAM of risking losing you like that.
If they chose to betray you, they would be losing someone who loves them and cherishes them, and you would be losing someone who is dishonest, disrespectful, cowardly, etc. I think it is clear who the loser is in that situation.
9. Show Up As The Person You Want To Be
If you want to get your power and self respect back, you have to show up as the person you want to be. Literally, act like you have cameras on you at all times. Do you want to be someone who spends their time going through someone’s following? Someone who spends their time stalking someone’s location? Someone who secretly goes through someone’s phone? Would you be embarrassed if you were caught on camera doing these things?
If so, you’re destroying your own confidence, self respect, and self worth by doing those things you’re not proud of. This is the most detrimental part of doing these things. By being more concerned with someone else’s life than with your own, you are sacrificing your relationship with YOURSELF.
10. Decide To Take Your Power Back
In deciding to start showing up as the person you want to be, in deciding to stop being more obsessed with someone else’s life than your own, in deciding that you are capable of dealing with whatever life throws your way, in deciding to trust YOURSELF, you get your power back. So, decide.
Decide that there are things that are much more worth your time than that. Decide that you value yourself and your life too much to waste your time monitoring what another person is doing. Decide that there are too many books you want to read, too many movies you want to watch, too many things you want to achieve, to spend another minute more concerned with someone else’s life than your own.
Take all that energy you’ve been putting into worrying about them, and invest it in yourself instead. Read those books. Go to the gym. Start that business. Get hotter and hotter.
Deciding is the very first step, and it is a journey, and it can be hard. Even if you slip, come back to that decision over and over again. Remember your own power and the fact that where attention goes, energy flows, and continue to choose to put that energy into feeling good within yourself. And watch your life, and you, change for the better.
This post was all about how to stop obsessing over your partner.
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8 Unhinged Things I Did To Heal My Attachment Style
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View all my tips for self-care here
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